Who I am NOT

You may think this is a funny statement: I am not the lord. This ever-present, yet subconsciously kept truth is the origin of most of my fear.

Ask yourself: where does most fear in our lives come from? It comes from not being in control. If I am the 'lord' and control as much as possible, my life to me has more balance because it's going my way. When things go out of my control, however, fear controls me because the inevitable truth that I am not in control emerges quickly into the conscious mind.

"I am NOT the Lord" is my new mantra. I'm having to say this over and over again because realistically, I want to "lord" my own life and call the shots. That's why I have an extremely hard time trusting God. Good wisdom from my mother who said this to me the other day....great food for thought. I am NOT God - and am very weary of holding the reins of this puppy.

An addendum to this post: I recently listened to a song I wrote back in 1999. It's called 'Torn' and has proven to be quite a prophetic theme of my existence. It goes a little something like this (and a one and a two and a....)

Torn by this empty feeling
I'm scared 'cause I'm not in control
My haunted soul is so full of grief
that I barely can lift up my eyes

BRIDGE:
Then you come shouting
Your words are so loud that they break me
Then you come whispering
Your words are so soft that they mend me

CHORUS:
It feels like I'm trying to get my two hands on the wheel
Life is so readily passing me by it's unreal
There you are reaching out with your hand
And I must admit that I don't understand why you love me

Gripped by fear and illusion
I don't feel free to believe
The path I'm on is empty and dark
I can't seem to find my way home

Bridge/Chorus