More Stuff I Know

• Waking your sister up to tell her to close her eyes because you are changing clothes in the same room causes her to open her eyes.
• Buckleys is disgusting, and it works.
• Ping-Pong tables are not just for fun; they can squish your fingers almost off.
• When stripped down from finishing a baptism, slide the lock on the women's bathroom door if you decide to "go".
• Your brother can hit your face with leftover meat in the dark from across the room.
• 15 year old girls are more experienced kissers than 13 year old boys.
• Don't laugh in church when the "Old Man" choir sings, "When at the cross the Saviour MADE ME (W)HOLE."
• If you want to get a laugh, tell your friends you won't throw snowballs at cars 'cause you're baptized.
• Tenting in you yard is an invitation to wander your neighbourhood.
• Sisters can kiss their boyfriend for 45 minutes if you time them. "On your mark..."
• Never assume your father's not home when you go on a cursing tirade with your brother.
• You can get out of dishes if you hide in the bathroom every night after supper (sorry sibs!).
• Having your good friend hit your father's car with his grandfather's Grand Marquis is depressing.
• Yelling, "OH S#!^" when falling off a waterslide in front of a church youth group is frowned upon (and funny).
• Grandparents don't know kids like vanilla, not grapenut or orange pineapple ice cream.
• Blue Angels are real and cool (just ask Shawn Schofield).
• Suggesting your 5 year old son comes with you to knock a wasp nest down, then shouting, "Run" doesn't prevent him from getting stung.
• Don't buy yourself an $80 watch on your wife's birthday.
• Don't tell your wife on Christmas Eve that you got the family a dog.
• Don't ask your brother to keep the squealing puppy Christmas morning when he's trying to open presents with his family (you'll "ruin my Christmas").
• Don't buy a "nonreturnable" hamster, cage and food on Valentines Day when your wife asks you to get something small for the kids then drop it in the snow in sight of the cashier when trying to return it.
• When your wife says, "I'll leave it to you to put a $700 canoe on line of credit," she means, "If you get it, I'll cry."
• Don't pass a communion cup full of grape juice to a 90 year old man with Parkinson's Disease.
• Don't assume leaving a pillow on the cement floor will catch your infant daughter when she falls off the chair...lucky for me though...
• Leaving your son in a hot car for even 60 seconds can almost get you arrested.
• Sliding out on the floor from behind the bed shouting, "Hazaaa" in the dark when your wife walks in the room is apparently not funny.
• Buying a remote-controlled airplane "for the kids" and crashing it first time out can cause arguments.
• You can't recover while singing a Steven Curtis Chapman song with a broken string and an out-of-tune guitar in front of 1200 people.
• Apparently, telling a whole church congregation that their camp has gone "New Age" with the director sitting there is not Kosher.
• Your kids can comfort you when you give their dog away.
• Telling a 2 year old, "HOT" and pointing to the wood stove does not prevent burns and screaming.
• Throwing a 12 hour old, loaded diaper down the stairs can cause a massive explosion of saturated pee crystals.
• Laughing at a guy who got smashed in the teeth with a baseball after he just told the kids to get behind the fence is met with disgust.
• Dogs can drop funny things in front of you from funny places.
• You feel "rescued" when the guy you thought was dead under his car wakes up (as you stood wondering if you should dial 911 because they might think you "did it") .
• Brothers can really mix-up their words: "Right Mark?...Did you hear that Rat, I just called you Mart!"
• Older sisters and brothers throw WILD parties when parents are away - and salt water makes Derek puke who made others puke earlier.
• Sniffing gasoline can make your cousin run through your front door.
• Not wearing a tie when speaking to a church can cause 25 little old ladies to meet on the subject.
• Watching your friend tell your band teacher to "Go to Hell" and then run off a platform into the bushes in D.C. is freakin' hysterical.
• Watching your wife ask the Tim's cashier for a "Choc-o-lot" donut because you told her that's what the new kind was, is hilarious!
• Seeing your friend order a promoted 25 cent hamburger "with cheese please" and not get why they charged him $1.50 is really funny.
• Faking info for a Social Studies project ('cause you couldn't read words on an old tombstone in the dark) can get you in trouble when someone else chooses the same stone.
• Laughing at a guy laughing at another guy in a work meeting with 35 people in the room can cause you emit certain sounds - thus perpetuating the laughter so you have to apologize to the department head.